The Meaning We Give to the Words We Hear
‘Don’t run’. This was my Dad telling his 7-year-old son not to, as we unloaded the weekly food shop from the car to the house. I was keen to help, as any little boy helping his Dad. I stood at the boot of the car keen to take the next thing into the house. Dad handed me a 1-litre glass jar of orange juice (I think I may have single-handedly been responsible for the move to cartons!). Roll forward 20 seconds and there I am, sprawled out on the concrete path crying, blood everywhere. I’d ran. My Dad spent the majority of the 6 hours we waited at A&E telling me that he had specifically told me not to run. So, why did I? The answer is in the meaning we give to the words we hear.
6 Examples of the Meaning We Give to Words
#1- Power Words
I was a 7-year-old boy. Running was always on my mind. At school, we’d have running races. We’d run throughout our break times. In the P.E. lesson, we ran. I’d run home. It was all that was on my mind – I’d discovered legs, running, and trying to beat the other boys at running races.
So, my reticular filter was open to ‘run’. You know the reticular filter – when someone mentions a car make or you are looking to buy a particular car – you see loads of them. I hadn’t heard ‘Don’t run’ because I’d heard what I wanted to hear ‘run’. The power word my Dad had used was ‘run’. At least it was a power word to me. He was oblivious.
At work, we use power words too. If you were to use the sentence, ‘Making a loss – Our company is a long way from that’. People heard ‘loss’. The reason they did this was that it was communicated slightly differently. On a subconscious level from you to them. Why? Because they had been thinking about the company making a loss.
Imagine, and especially with the current pandemic, a boss saying to her team, ‘I don’t want anyone to think about redundancies’. Which word did you hear most?
Summary: Be aware of the power words that you use.
#2- It’s Not That
In business, we want to be liked, for people to tell us that we are good at what we do – to praise us. Our reticular filter is open to hearing this stuff, and unfortunately, it is also open to hear the opposite too.
Many years ago (I was 17) a boss called me into his office and said, ‘It’s not that we don’t think you’re good enough’. I heard, ‘We think you’re crap!’. People use that type of sentence – ‘It’s not that…’ because they think that it softens the blow. It doesn’t. It just adds confusion. Better to be direct, rather than cause ambiguity.
I have also heard people tell others, ‘It’s not that you’re not confident enough’. That destroys their confidence. Better to say, ‘I’d like to help you to be the best version of you by improving your confidence – how can I help you?’. Remember the meaning we give to words will affect the ultimate outcome from its usage.
Summary: Be aware of using word wrappers that simply don’t work.
#3- My Precious
The famous words of Gollum from Lord of the Rings, as he holds his treasured ring. Ever heard someone say, ‘I’m not precious about that’? They are. When any of us use the word precious and normally it is accompanied with ‘I’m not’, we are. This is a clear indication that this is very important to them.
The next step is not to explain to them what just happened, i.e. ‘You said the word precious and that means…’. Instead, ask them – ‘How much does this matter to you?’. They’ll give you an answer that helps explain why it is precious and then you can manage it accordingly.
Summary: ‘Precious’ does mean important.
#4- Listing the Choices
My wife and I were discussing the upcoming weekend. Her question was, ‘Would you like to go and see a film, go out for dinner, or see Mum and Dad?’. Whenever you are given options the last option is always the option, they want you to choose. It’s a little like the magicians that ask you to count to 10 or say the months of the year to guess your birthday. They are listening for the pause you make before you say your number or month. The two parts of hidden language in my wife’s question were; firstly, that she paused before offering the third option, and secondly that the last option is always the one the person wants.
Notice yourself – when you offer someone 3 options, the last one will be the one you want, and you’ll pause briefly before you say it. The other options are just because you want to appear more accommodating. In actual fact, you want to do one thing. You are just being an ‘adult’. Kids don’t do this. ‘I want a lolly’. They don’t say, ‘Shall we get a drink, go in the sea, or get a lolly?’. Sometimes life might just be a little simpler if we acted like children again. Things like the meaning we give to words may have made things too complex.
Summary: The last option is the ‘right’ option.
#5- The Give-Away Words
A typical negotiation results in a discussion on price. ‘I want to pay £850’. And the reply, ‘You can’t have it at that price. I’ll accept £900’. In the midst of that discussion, the negotiators will give each other signals. Like the ‘tell’ of a poker player. Unfortunately, most will miss it. It’s the little words that give us away, allowing the more effective negotiators to get the better deal.
Look out for words such as:
- ‘About’
- ‘In the region of’
- ‘Around’
These are the words that give away our position. A second-hand car deal – the discussion on price has been going on for about 5 minutes. The seller says, ‘I could take around £4,500’. An effective negotiator hears the word ‘around’ because it means that £4,500 is the price she would like. She would also accept a lower price. It happens quickly. It is hard to notice, but if you do, it’s a clue as to what they are thinking.
The complexities of the hidden language come when you take the essence of the power word and the give-away word. A sentence such as, ‘I’ll take no lower than about £4,500’. The power words are ‘take’ and ‘lower’, and the give-away word is ‘about’. What did the negotiator really mean? That they will take lower than £4,500 – They are just trying to project a tougher stance!
Summary: Find out the true positions behind seemingly firm statements.
#6- The Small Words
It’s the small words that give us away when we are negotiating. Most people say that they don’t negotiate. They do. They just don’t realise it. For now, we’ll take a price example, but you might be negotiating to take control of a project, get someone to take a meeting, or asking someone to get something done.
‘I’ll buy that lawnmower for around £45’. What was the small word that gave away their position? ‘Around’. This sneaky little word tells us that they will accept a lower price than £45. What we don’t do is point this out. What we do, is say, ‘What price could you accept, please?’.
When negotiating the small words give away our position, the meaning we give to words like this are key. Our innermost thoughts and at a time when we really want to play our cards close to our chest, they let us down. Other similar words are; ‘In the region of’ and ‘Around’. Listen for these words because they will help you to know what the other person is thinking.
Summary: Listen for the little words that give us away.
These 5 examples show the meaning we give to the words we say can be very different from those intended.
In Summary…
We all can relate to the meaning we give to words because we have learnt to be kinder to people (‘You’re not bad’), negotiate a little (‘I could not accept lower than…’), and be more accommodating (‘Which would you like to…’). By understanding this hidden language, you can better understand people’s intentions. This will help you to be a better people manager, make better deals, and be a better partner.
